Conflict Resolution

Conflict arises from differences, both large and small. They occur whenever people disagree over their values, motivations, perceptions, ideas and desires.
Sometimes these differences appear trivial, but when a conflict triggers strong feelings, a deep personal need is often at the core of the problem.

In instances where we find ourselves in conflict with a member of the public in a rescue situation for example, their need may be to feel respected and valued; they will undoubtedly be experiencing strong empathy for the injured animal and your responses should always take that into consideration.

Everyone needs to feel understood, nurtured and supported, but the ways in which these needs are met vary widely. Differing needs for feeling comfortable and safe create some of the most severe challenges in our personal and professional relationships.

The needs of both parties play important roles in the long-term success of most relationships, and each deserves respect and consideration. In workplace conflicts, and this includes our volunteer “workplace”, differing needs are often at the heart of bitter disputes.

When you can recognize the legitimacy of conflicting needs and become willing to examine them in an environment of compassionate understanding, it opens pathways to creative problem solving, team building, improved relationships and personal growth.

Conflict 101

A conflict is more than just a disagreement. It is a situation in which one or both parties perceive a threat (whether or not the threat is real).
Conflicts continue to fester when ignored. Because conflicts involve perceived threats to our well-being and survival, they stay with us until we face & resolve them.
We respond to conflict based on our perceptions of the situation. This may not necessarily be an objective review of the facts; our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences, culture, values and beliefs.
Conflicts trigger strong emotions. If you aren’t comfortable with your emotions or able to manage them in times of stress, you won’t be able to resolve conflict successfully.

Conflicts are an opportunity for growth. When you are able to resolve conflict in your relationships, it builds trust.

Responses to conflict

The ability to successfully resolve conflict depends on your ability to:

Manage stress quickly while remaining alert and calm. By staying calm, you can accurately read and interpret verbal and non-verbal communication.
Control your emotions and behaviour. When you’re in control of your emotions, you can communicate your needs without threatening or frightening others.
Pay attention to the feelings being expressed. As well as the spoken word of others.
Be aware of and respectful of differences. By avoiding disrespectful words and actions, you can always resolve a problem faster.

To successfully resolve a conflict, you will need to learn and practice two core skills: the ability to quickly reduce stress in the moment and the ability to remain comfortable enough with your emotions to react in constructive ways even in the midst of an argument or a perceived attacked.

Quick stress relief: the first core conflict resolution skill

Being able to manage and relieve stress in the moment is the key to staying balanced, focused, and in control, no matter what challenges you face. If you don’t know how to stay centered and in control of yourself, you will become overwhelmed in conflict situations and unable to respond in healthy ways.

Psychologist Connie Lillas uses a driving analogy to describe the three most common ways people respond when they’re overwhelmed by stress:

Foot on the gas. An angry or agitated stress response, you are heated, keyed up, overly emotional, and unable to sit still.
Foot on the brake. A withdrawn or depressed stress response where you shut down, space out, and show very little energy or emotion.
Foot on both gas and brake. A tense and frozen stress response, you “freeze” under pressure and can’t do anything. You look paralyzed, but under the surface you’re extremely agitated.

Stress interferes with the ability to resolve conflict by limiting your ability to:

Accurately read another person’s non-verbal communication
Hear what someone is really saying
Be aware of your own feelings
Be in touch with your deep-rooted needs
Communicate your needs clearly

Emotional awareness: The second core conflict

Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others. If you don’t know how you feel or why you feel that way, you won’t be able to communicate effectively or resolve disagreements.

Although knowing your own feelings may sound simple, many people ignore or try to sedate strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. Your ability to handle conflict, however, depends on being connected to these feelings. If you are afraid of strong emotions or if you insist on finding solutions that are strictly rational, your ability to face and resolve differences will be impaired.

Why emotional awareness is a key factor in resolving conflict.
Emotional awareness – the consciousness of your moment-to-moment emotional experience- and the ability to manage all of your feelings appropriately is the basis of a communication process that can resolve conflict.

Emotional awareness helps you:

Understand what is really troubling other people
Understand yourself, including what is really troubling you
Stay motivated until the conflict is resolved
Communicate clearly and effectively
Attract and influence others

Assessing your ability to recognize and manage emotions.
The following quiz helps you assess your level of emotional awareness. Answer the following questions with: almost never, occasionally, often, very frequently, or almost always. There are no right or wrong responses, only the opportunity to become better acquainted with your emotional responses.

What kind of relationship do I have with my emotions?

Do you experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as your experiences change from moment to moment?
Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in places like your stomach or chest?
Do you experience discrete feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, each of which is evident in subtle facial expressions?
Do you pay attention to your emotions, do they factor into your decision-making?

Non-verbal communication plays a big role in conflict resolution

The most important information exchanged during conflicts and arguments is often communicated non-verbally.
Non-verbal communication is conveyed by emotionally driven facial expressions, posture, gesture, pace, tone and intensity of voice.

When people are upset, the words they use rarely convey the issues and needs at the heart of the problem. When we listen for what is felt- as well as what is said, we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Listening in this way also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to hear us.

When we are in the middle of a conflict, paying close attention to the other person’s nonverbal signals may help you figure out what the other person is really saying. This will allow you to respond in a way that builds trust, and get to the root of the problem. A calm tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or an interested or concerned facial expression can go a long way toward relaxing a tense exchange.

You ability to accurately read another person depends on your own emotional awareness. The more aware you are of your own emotions, the easier it will be for you to pick up on the wordless clues that reveal what others are feeling.

Humour, judiciously used, can effectively defuse conflict
Once stress and emotion are brought into balance your capacity for joy, pleasure and playfulness is unleashed. Joy is a deceptively powerful resource. Studies show that you can surmount adversity, as long as you continue to have moments of joy. Humour plays a similar role when facing conflict.

You can avoid many confrontations and resolve arguments and disagreements by communicating in a humorous way. Humour can help you say things that may otherwise be difficult to express without offending someone. However, it’s important that you laugh with the other person, not at them. When humour and play are used to reduce tension and anger, reframe problems, and put the situation into perspective, the conflict can actually become an opportunity for greater connection and intimacy.

Tips for managing and resolving conflict

Managing and resolving conflict requires the ability to quickly reduce stress and bring your emotions into balance. You can ensure that the process is as positive as possible by sticking to the following guidelines:

Listen for what is felt as well as said. When we listen we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Listening also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to hear us when it is our turn to speak.
Making conflict resolution the priority rather than winning or “being right”. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint
Focus on the present. If you are holding onto grudges based on past resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem
Pick your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. Maybe you don’t want to surrender a parking space if you’ve been circling for 15 minutes, but if there are dozens of empty spots, arguing over a single space isn’t worth it
Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you are unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives
Know when to let something go. If two can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree

WIRES Policy

WIRES has a grievance policy and a Volunteer Support Manager (VSM) to provide advice or information, or assist members with matters of this type.

Acknowledgements

Helpguide.org
Jeanne Segal PHD
Melinda Smith MA